Last weekend our friend Karla took Erin and me to the beach.  Two beaches, to be exact – Playa del Coco and Playa Hermosa.

As with most car trips, I found the time on the road to be half the fun.

I love taking photos from a moving vehicle.

When we got there, we saw that Coco is an adorable little beach community absolutely packed with souvenir shops.

We arrived with the intention of buying a couple small gifts for friends and family – though, I never understood why anyone would really want a token from somewhere they’ve never been.  But it’s apparently a “nice thing to do” so we set out to do it.

Honestly, we did.

But it turns out there was a slight problem with the souvenir selection at Coco Beach.

At first glance it seemed there were plenty of cute dangly earrings from which to choose.  The problem?  They were the same in every shop, which indicated they were probably imported from Nicaragua.

And we all know it’s impossible to pick out sunglasses for other people.

(Though it turns out Erin is quite talented at picking them out for me.)

And once we ruled out earrings, t-shirts and sunglasses, we were really at a loss.  The rest of the souvenirs at Coco Beach are, it turns out, heinously hideous at worse and insanely tacky at best.

What do you think, mom?  Didn’t you just tell me you were looking for a giant rooster statue?

Make your guests feel welcome by setting him on your front step in lieu of a boring old welcome mat.

Or if you’re looking for something a little more travel-friendly, there’s always the one that hasn’t quite finished hatching.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall…

And if poultry isn’t your taste, there’s always naked statues.

My, what nice abs you have.

And not-so-naked statues.

Yeah mon.

And  of course, the copulating couples.

And now for position #179…

My, were there copulating couples.

Apparently they couldn’t be bothered to remove their skirts.

I can’t help but be impressed with their balancing skills.

If you want something a little more National Geographic, you could always go with one of these:

She does NOT look like she’s having a good time.

Don’t worry – I can help you find a bra with the right support and comfort to perk those babies back up.

(Yeah, because we all know THAT’S realistic.)

Not into people or poultry?  No worries, they have plenty of other animals, too.

OMG, I’ve been LOOKING for a red-vested monkey!

I already have this doormat.  In tabby.

I think this monkey might be stoned.

And the art… well the art is just exquisite.  I didn’t find anything to add to my “collection,” but I definitely enjoyed looking.

Ladies, doesn’t this look like something you had hanging in your room in the 80’s?  Minus the boobies, of course…

And this guy totally would’ve been going home with me in the 90’s.

Okay, now here is where you may want to turn away.

I know, I know.  I didn’t warn you before the creepy half-hatched rooster egg or the blowjob pipe.  That’s because those things were small potatoes compared to this.

Really.

The following image is – by far – one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.

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So don’t scroll any further if you don’t want to have nightmares.

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I mean it!

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Last warning…

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Okay here goes:

What is it??!!

I’m sorry I didn’t get a closer shot, but I was worried it would jump out of the frame and peck off my face.

What would possess someone to paint something like this?

Is this how the artist views women?

Maybe it’s a portrait of his ex wife…

Can you imagine actually buying this thing?  Oh yes… that would look just PERFECT on the living room mantel.  Or better yet, above the bed!  You know, because there’s nothing like a large-breasted naked veiny chicken to put me in the mood.

I will never look at a chicken the same way again.

The things we did like were pretty pricey and would’ve cost even more to ship home.

Like this funky mirror:

Or these pretty chimes:

Or this ornately carved chair, complete with butt print:

Needless to say, we didn’t end up buying anything.  Oh well, I guess my photos will be souvenir enough.  Because friends and family love looking at my vacation pictures, right?

Right??

After exploring the cavernous shops at Coco, we drove on to Hermosa to spend a relaxing afternoon on the beach.

The weather was perfect.

Exactly what we needed.

We even made a friend.

Here’s to another day in paradise.