Occasionally, whilst surfing the Interwebs for job opportunities, I’ll find myself naïvely drifting into the murky, frothy, danger-filled waters of Craigslist.

Might as well just take a quick peek-a-roo to see if there’s any worthwhile prospects, I think to myself.  What’s the harm?

And on these rare occasions I happen to forget why I ever stopped visiting in the first place, Craigslist is always more than happy to refresh my memory.

What the internet would look like if it were an old-timey map.

Because once I’ve started perusing Craigslist, I’m quickly reminded that it is a teaming cesspool of internet goblins, illegitimate business ventures, sad personal ads, kinky-weird (and not kinky-fun) fetishes and a truly preposterous number of letters to strangers who’ve crapped on someone’s personal property.

Here’s the kind of thing you usually find…

Typical Craigslist Post #1:

Dear Person Who Took a Crap on the Hood of My Car While I Was Stopped at a Red Light on 5th and Main,

Why did you do that?  Seriously, why???  I mean, honestly, who DOES that?!?

In conclusion, I did not appreciate it and think you are a jerkface.

Sincerely Hatefully,

Guy in the Toyota Celica (a.k.a., the Cleveland Steamer edition)

Typical Craigslist Post #2:

Dear Girl with Brown Hair Wearing Some Sort of Patterned Shirt in Line at Starbucks in the Greater Baltimore-Washington Metropolitan Area,

I was standing in line behind you and you glanced meaningfully back at me as if to say “I recognize a kindred spirit in you.”  Or it might’ve just been because I stepped on the back of your shoe.  Either way, I felt a connection.  Let’s get married, ok?

I’ll Die Without You,

Guy with the Ironic Glasses and Emo Haircut

Typical Craisglist Post #3:

****LQQK HERE!!!!  BUY MY USED CRAP FOR WICKED EXPENSIVE!!!!1 SUPER SWEET DEAL!!!  $$$$**8**

I’M SELLING MY **MINT** CONDITION, SLIGHTLY USED TOOTHBRUSH FOR ONLY $199!!!

STILL HAS ALL IT’S ORIGINAL BRISSLES!  HANDEL BROKE OFF BUT OTHERWISE IN ***A1 PERFECT CONDITION***!!

LIKE NEW!!!! ONLY BEEN USED FOR A YEAR!!

SERIOUS INQIRIES ONLY!!  IF U ASK A QUESTION AND DON’T END UP BUYING IT, ILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STAB U IN UR SLEEP!!!!!!!

CALL ME (FRIBBLEJAB HUMDINGER) BETWEEN 3 AM AND 5 AM MONDAY OR THURSDAY!!!

Typical Craigslist Post #4:

W/M/40 looking for a partner to engage in some sensuous bicyexuality…

Are you a well-maintained 10-speed Schwinn??  If so, I’d like to have sexual relations with you.  Meet me at the dumpster behind the elementary school, lover.  I’ll be the one in the vinyl bodysuit and clown mask.

And the job board is just as soul-stabbingly sad.  For instance, here are the recent gems I came across while searching for jobs today…

(**Note:  Sorry about all the random black bars but I decided to do the “ethical thang” and block out any information I thought would likely land me in civil court.  So sue me.  Or, wait–don’t.**)

Sneaky-sneaky!  This ad slipped in the “adult chat” part so deftly, so subtly, that I almost believed that maybe this wasn’t some sleazy operation being conducted out of this guy’s mom’s basement.  (Ha!  Kidding.  I knew all along.)

Please note in the description that “hard-working” is a must.  What isn’t required is a sexy phone voice or even the ability to speak English, mind you.  Because we here at Bob’s Basement Sexy-Time Phone Factory don’t tolerate any slacker-ass phone sex operators lazing around on their couches, surfing the Web, eating bonbons and living the high life on our generous $10 compensation package.

Nay, we expect you to knock out at least three sets of 25 squat-thrusts and 50 leg lifts during each and every phone call.  We’re all about discipline and dedication and, inexplicably, intense physical conditioning here.

The Upside:  (1) You and your significant other would have a common interest to bond over.  (2) No taxes are deducted from your paycheck.  Super-duper hooray!

The Downside:  (1) Everybody on the internet gets to watch you bicker over which of you was supposed to pick up paper towels on your way home.  (2) While naked.  (3) Seriously, paperwork?

It’s always nice to get the verbal abuse thing out in the open early because I hate when jobs wait until after I’m hired to condescend and mock my abilities to perform to their unreasonably high expectations.

What I gather from this ad is that, essentially, this position would require you to run this man’s news business for him while he stands behind you, screaming and heckling you with vaguely misogynistic schoolyard taunts.

For some reason, I get the impression that this guy is into some extreme shit.  I imagine he wrote this job description at 3 a.m. in between snorting a variety of narcotics and running to the bathroom mirror to slap himself and yell “BE A WINNER, DAMMIT!” while “The Final Countdown” blared on repeat in the background.  When he finished, he high-fived everything in his apartment and then set his coffee table on fire.