What? Everyone Knows I’d Be a Great Mom
The other night my sister and I were watching the same television show at the same time.
I know this because she called me from her apartment in Miami and we proceeded to discuss important issues like why the brunette would be a better choice for the Bachelor but he was so obviously going to pick the blonde because he’s a douche and just look at her.
*I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I only watched 2 episodes of The Bachelor – the first and the last. And that’s only because there wasn’t a new How I Met Your Mother. And I obviously can’t do something productive during T.V. time. Because it’s T.V. time. Duh.
Anyway, I politely told my sister to shut up and hung up the phone because the show was back on.
A bit later, she called me again.
Kelly: Hey, did you see that commercial?
Me: Umm… what commercial?
Kelly: The one with the mom and the kid and the Jell-0 cheesecake things.
Me: You know I don’t watch commercials.
Justin: [pretending to work on his computer but snickering obnoxiously]
Kelly: Oh, well it reminded me of you.
Justin: [louder snicker – still doesn’t make eye contact]
Me: How so?
Kelly: Because if you were a mom, I could totally see you doing what the mom in the commercial did to her kid.
Justin: [busts out laughing]
Kelly: See, this adorable little girl is standing in front of her parents, and her mom is telling her this awful story about how another little girl got trapped in some horrible dark cave with snakes and bogeymen and no cartoons. And the daughter, who looks terribly frightened, is all, “But she got out, right mommy?” and the mom, in complete seriousness, goes, “No. She was trapped there for 100 years. All by herself. And that’s why you should never take mommy and daddy’s Strawberry Cheesecake Temptations.”
Me: [silence]
Kelly: And that is so YOU!
Me: What?! [looking towards Justin to gain a sense of camaraderie, but to no avail]
Justin: [smiling] You know you would.
And I hate to admit it, but it’s true.
It’s probably why my neighbors rarely ask me to babysit and why, when my sister does have a baby, she’ll be hesitant to ever let me near it. Especially if “it” is a girl.
It would be like this cartoon from my favorite comic blog, Fudge That Sugar, so aptly explains:
Comic #17 by Kat at FudgeThatSugar.wordpress.com.
See, I would definitely be Kat in this scenario. In fact, I probably have been Kat in this scenario. I have very few qualms about telling it like it is. Especially to children.
They need to learn, right?
I mean, really… what’s so wrong with letting my daughter think something bad will happen to her if she eats my food? It’s MY food. There’s a reason they make children so gullible. Totally acceptable parenting, if you ask me.
Which you didn’t.
And now we all know why.
Comments
This is a fantastic post. Love it. Love love love it.
Glad I’m not the only one with a …sassy sense of humor ;)
Love
Wink’d
Thanks! And yeah… “sassy” is a nice way to put it. ;)
Hey I am that mom….If I can do it, so can you! I’d let you take my kids anytime…..
Cheers!
You’re my role model. ;)
Oh, it’s funny because it’s so true.
If I ever have kids I’ll let you near them…just so that way I can blame you for how screwed up they are. ;)
But my sister glares at me from time to time because I will make matter-of-fact comments to my nephew and then when he gets confused by it he looks at her and asks “What?”. Yup, I’m that Uncle.
Hahaha Great! I can now add “scapegoat” to my list of “Things that Will Make My Life Complete Regardless of Weather I Procreate.” ;)
I was snorting and laughing through that whole post. I am far more matter of fact with my own children, then any of the rest of the PTA Mafia moms. I have been known to be at the poker table when one of the children comes up from the play room to say, “So&so is blah, blah, blah,” and responding with “if no one is bleeding go away.”
Now my friend Cin is absolutely Aunt Kat in the comic strip. She’s coming up from Manhattan this weekend for a Poker game at our house, and censors may be needed.
You know, I’m still new to your blog, but I can totally see that. :) But also, you have two boys! You kind of have to be like that, otherwise you’d probably go nuts. (Rebecca – who commented after you – also has two boys, so she feels your pain!)
Your friend Cin sounds like a trip! I bet you two will tear it up this weekend!
LMAO. I’m that mom too don’t worry. I am the mom that insinuates snakes and scorpions might live somewhere just so they don’t want to play in/with/around it… They need to be straight up shit scared from time to time ya know…it’s super healthy:):)
Haha at least you have boys! I think they can take it a little better than girls would. I love that, though – what are you gonna do when you move back to the U.S. and the creepy crawlies aren’t so prominent?? ;)
Hmmm, makes me wonder what kind of parent I was when yoiu were little. I will let you be the judge. :-P
LOL. You were a good one. It wasn’t until I got much, much older that I became put off by the idea of parenting. :)
I will totally be the same way.
Last weekend, I was spending time with three little girls between 2 and 4. They were all sweet, but two of them would not stop begging for treats even after dessert. I kept sending them on princess missions to find magical flowers while I finished the dishes. They kept coming back and I had it. “Candy makes you fat and no prince wants to marry a fat princess.”
I hope it won’t take years of therapy to help them get over what I did to their little brains.
I also told them a witch lived across the street so they wouldn’t leave the house.
Really, I think you will do just great!
Thanks for the fab post!
This literally makes me laugh out loud – I LOVE that! Fat princess! Hahaha. And it’s awful, but at the same time, it’s not the worst advice in the world, you know? If more parents told their children the truth about unhealthy eating habits, we wouldn’t have the childhood obesity problem we have in this country today. Sure, there was probably a more “P.C.” way to put it, but sometimes bluntness is the only thing kids understand.
Thanks for the laugh!
And P.S., I just posted part of your comment to the Domestiphobia Facebook page. I just had to share. :)
[…] dress hanging around on the chance that I produce a daughter or a slim cross-dressing son or even have a kid at all. Then, I’m supposed to push all of these expectations on her: She needs to be exactly the […]
[…] It’s like that with the internet, too. The internet is my baby. It’s my connection from this secluded suburban pocket to the outside world. It’s how I stream Dexter and Downton Abbey and The Bachelor. […]
Apparently I accidently told my friends 4 year old that stockings were put at the end of your bed because Father Christmas might try & cut your feet off. He’ll think the stocking is your feet, and provided you sleep with your feet tucked up – you’ll get both toys & to keep your feet.
Apparently I got Father Cristmas mixed up with a ghost story about a mad shepheard..oops
omg. I’m dying laughing.
Seriously.
I’m going to tell this to my neighbor’s kid next time she’s being a snot.