How to Win a Race Without Actually Running It.
1. Wear something comfortable. Something like jeans and a t-shirt. Something that says, I am not a runner. I take myself too seriously. I would rather sit on the sidewalk drinking beer while you fools go run like it’s fun or something.
2. Arrive at the square with enough arms and bags to carry all of your non-runner stuff (camera, purse, reading material, umbrella, water bottle, etc.) and all of your significant other’s runner stuff (water bottle, free t-shirt, wallet, car keys, etc.). Promptly lose significant other because you had to run back to the car to get more stuff (aka. your jacket because it’s cold and you, the smarter of the two, will not be running).
3. Find significant other standing in line to acquire his bib (that’s fancy runner talk for “numbers”). Quickly become bored and wander off to see how many random strangers will let you take their photos.
I now own a piece of each of your souls. Mwahahahaha.
4. Realize how many people are there. Start to experience a pang of anxiety. Calm yourself by remembering that soon they will all be gone and you will be left relatively alone because, as one of the smartest people in Raleigh, you will not be running. You will be free to breathe, holding nothing but 80 lbs. of crap. And also, somehow, a glass of beer.
Will you all just GO already? You’re drinking all of the beer.
5. Strategically position yourself in a place where you can get a good view of the lesser species — that running breed of human — as they leave your life forever. Or at least the next 20-50 minutes.
Observe that the most hardcore competitive runners wear the most colorful footwear. Do you think that makes them faster, or is it simply so you can see something — a bright streak of color — as they zip by at lightening speed?
Some are clearly in it to win it. (Bright green shirt guy.)
Some wear looks of sheer determination. (Green tank top girl.)
Some are probably stoned out of their minds.
Kidding.
Some are… well.
I actually think he might be on to something here. A kilt could provide excellent breathability. Though he could’ve gone shorter.
This is NOT responsible running attire.
I sure hope he’s wearing a sports bra.
People who run with children are like extreme gluttons for punishment.
And also kind of badass.
It’s fun to embarrass your significant other by screaming and yelling like a crazed fan while snapping photos with paparazzi-like ferocity.
6. When they’re gone, find yourself the bar.
Order a Smithwick’s (but pronounce it Smiddicks, so you sound like you know what you’re talking about), sit on the sidewalk, and make friends with the other smart people who don’t run.
When the mob returns with the wet stench of sweat and pain unfit for human habitation, feel slightly superior in the fact that you’re still clean and happy as the last wash of Smithwick’s slides down your throat.
Totally, totally winning.
(For the record, I love runners. They’re like the happiest people on earth, and the truth is I just like to be around them and try to absorb the endorphins via osmosis and beer. Click here to see the last race I watched, and here for my friend Erin’s experience at the Merrell Down & Dirty Mud Run)
Comments
Parade Day is for drinking, not running, but I’m currently training for an upcoming 5k, because I stupidly said to my gym buddy, “sure, I’ll sign up if you sign up.”
Ouch, to the kilt wearer. Let’s hope he didn’t go traditional, because that’s a hernia waiting to happen.
Nice!! I wish I could run, but I seriously can’t go 100 yards without panting and feeling like I’m going to die. I could power walk all day. But running? Just don’t have it in me.
And that’s *exactly* what I was thinking about the kilt wearer too. :)
Awesome. I too, am of those who do not run. I don’t know where you live where the runners seem all happy and endorphiny though. The ones here always just seem like they’re suffering.
Maybe happy runners is just a North Carolina thing? They all definitely seemed like they were suffering when they were done — especially the ones who drank a lot of beer before-hand — but prior to the race, the vibe is great! And they were all still in pretty good spirits when it was over, suffering or not.
I’m glad I’m not alone in my refusal to run. ;)
As much as I love reading your blog, I knew we had to have something important in common, and now I’ve found it! Taking pics, drinking the beer, and waiting for the crazy, tired, sweaty people to return (of which there are many in my household) is my way of joining in long distance races, too! Although, honestly and disappointedly, my kids rarely run races with beer being passed out.
I don’t think I have endorphins. Running or extreme exercise of any sort just makes me TIRED…which is not a giddy state.
Well. I honestly think it’s up to the support system (aka YOU) to encourage the beer drinking races. At least for the ones who are old enough. ;)
And YES, we definitely have the non-running thing in common! Sitting on the side with a book while watching others work out is so much better. But we can’t let them know how much smarter we are. It would just hurt their feelings.
Too funny and great photos, although I have to admit I do occasionally think that if I was younger I would join them–we often have them run past our house when Philly sponsors “runs”. But alas, I am now with you and would rather watch and have fun at the after party :)
We’re the happiest people until we hit our wall….then we want to cut our legs off.
Ha! I can see that.
I think you’re on to something here. I may have signed up for the Wineglass Half Marathon in hopes that they serve wine along the way. If I find out that they do I’ll let you know so you can ‘run’ it too. :)
Ha, only you’d actually be running it. That sounds like a pretty awesome race!