Behind Every Erratic Woman Is A Completely Rational Fear Of Choosing To Choose Our Choices.
So I’m fairly convinced that almost every great lesson in life can be learned by watching an episode of Sex in the City.
SLAM!
What was that?
Oh, nothing. Just the sound of every last male reader closing the door on my blog forever.
But if you haven’t left yet, hear me out.
First and foremost, let me be clear: I am talking about the show — not the movies. This is an important distinction because I am not at all convinced (nor have I bothered to research) that the same people who wrote the witty genius that is SATC the show are the same people who wrote the horrific abomination that is SATC the movie.
Second, what I’m about to talk about applies to men as well, I think, but I’m going to focus more on the woman’s perspective because I am — you know — a woman.
Anyway.
There’s this scene in one of the episodes in which Charlotte, the pretty, doe-eyed brunette, announces to her friends that she is quitting her prominent career running an art gallery so she can focus on her marriage and motherhood.
She’s not a mother yet, mind you, but she’s on “the baby track,” which I picture as a crushed tire-cushioned running track with a starting line and a football field in the middle where women wearing jogging suits monitor their hormones on electronic wrist gadgets and chase their husbands in circles, jumping them to harvest their sperm whenever the timing is right.
What? That’s not accurate?
In all fairness, she doesn’t actually say she’s quitting because she’s married or because she’s going to have a baby. She kind of slips it in all sneaky-like, first saying there’s so much more she could be doing with her life than working at the gallery. When one of her friends asks for an example, she says, “Soon I’ll be pregnant, and that’ll be huge. Plus, we’re redecorating the new apartment, and I always wanted to take those Indian cooking classes, and sometimes I’ll walk by one of those Color Me Mine pottery places and I’ll see a woman having just a lovely afternoon glazing a bowl. That’d be a nice change. And I wanted to volunteer at Trey’s hospital. And help raise money for the new Pediatric AIDS wing.”
Of course, the pottery comment merits a joke from Carrie, the witty Sarah Jessica Parker, who says that the AIDS stuff is good but if she walked by on the street and saw Charlotte painting pottery, she’d just keep on walkin’.
Charlotte sighs, defeated, and repeats that it’s what she wants to do.
The next day, Charlotte calls up her friend Miranda, the red-headed lawyer. The general exchange is something like:
Charlotte: You were all judgey!
Miranda: Huh?
Charlotte: At lunch! When I told you I was quitting. You think I’m one of those women who quits work just because I’m married!
Miranda: Dude, I haven’t had coffee yet.
Charlotte: The women’s movement is supposed to be about choice. And if I choose to quit my job, that’s my choice.
Miranda: WTF is happening?
Charlotte: Admit it! You’re judging me! There’s nothing wrong with having a husband! I’m quitting my job to make my life better and do something worthwhile like have a baby and cure AIDS.
Miranda: Oh? You’re going to cure AIDS? Good for you! Just don’t be disappointed if all you end up with is a pretty ceramic mug with your husband’s name on it.
Charlotte: Take that back!
Miranda: I’m hanging up on you now.
Charlotte: Don’t you dare hang up! I need you to get behind my choice!
Miranda: YOU get behind your choice!
Charlotte: I am behind my choice. I choose my choice.
Miranda: I don’t have time for this. Some of us still have to work.
Charlotte: I CHOOSE MY CHOICE! I CHOOSE MY CHOICE!”
And right there.
Right there is the brilliance of Sex in the City, because, look. Of course it’s funny to watch a woman go all irrationally semi-psychotic on her friend, but when we stop to think about it, there’s a lesson in there, right? Was her melt-down completely unjustified?
The truth is, it’s hard to make a major, life-altering decision with absolute conviction. Especially when you know you’re going to be judged for it. And while Charlotte knew that quitting her job was actually the right decision for her – that it was, in fact, what she really wanted to do at that time in her life, what she really needed was for someone else to validate it.
Just like the girl whose boyfriend pushed her off the cliff!
(See how I tie everything in full-circle?)
The reality is that neither woman — the judger or the judgee — is a saint. The women in that show are caricatures of the best and the worst in each of us. Sometimes we’re not brave enough to own our own decisions. Sometimes we judge each other just because we might not make the same choice or worse, because we’re mad at ourselves for not making the same choice. Sometimes we erratically lash out at the people we love because we know we’re being weak when we ask for their validation and, truth-be-told, we hate that about ourselves.
Miranda, judgmental as she may be, is spot-on when she says, “YOU get behind your choice!” because here’s the thing: There is no right decision.
But there’s also no wrong decision.
There’s just a choice. Boom. Make it.
I am the worst when it comes to making decisions, but I’m finally starting to learn — while the prospect of negative consequences is always a scary thought, the paralyzing humiliation and complete waste of time that comes with indecision is often far worse.
If you quit your job and things don’t work out, you’ll get a new job.
If you move to a new city and find out you hate it, you’ll move back home.
If you ordered the fish but your friend’s steak looks better, you’ll eat your friend’s steak.
But the point is, you adapt. You learn. You move on.
It’s like we have this fear that life is going to freeze during our lowest possible moment. That the second we find ourselves unhappy, failing, or flailing with reckless abandon, that is the moment time will choose to stand still forever and ever and ever, amen.
But guess what? It won’t.
So take that chance.
Choose your choice.
Paint the shit out of that pottery because dammit, something inside you told you it was the right thing to do. And really, that’s all the validation you need.
Comments
So, are you telling me we should paint some pottery this summer?
It’s like YOU’RE INSIDE MY HEAD.
;)
So, let me throw the man-geek corollary I found in this. There’s an episode of the original Star Trek where some space-pimp is trying to sell (willing) women to space miners on a crappy planet where nobody would ever choose live except as an escape from EVERYTHING else, only there’s a hitch: he’s got the women on anti-ugly drugs to make them more attractive and appealing. When the drugs get confiscated and replaced with gummy nuggets, one of the now-ugly women chows on what she thinks is the drug to show her potential man the fabrication of what he expects from a woman. When she turns beautiful and is told it wasn’t the drug, Kirk says something like “There is only one kind of woman (or man, for that matter): you either believe in yourself or you don’t.” That would kind of mean there were TWO kinds of people, but I won’t stand on semantics. It’s terribly unstable ground. The point is, Kirk and Yoda (“Do or do not, there is no try”) have the right of it. A choice only has the polarity we assign it ourselves.
There, I think I’ve man-geeked this up enough for the doors to your male readership to creak back open a bit.
1) Thank you! I appreciate you tending to my male readership.
2) I have no idea what you said after something about a space pimp trying to sell WILLING women. Willing slaves, eh? Yep. Keep telling yourself that. ;)
@Renpiti – Have you ever read “The Ladder Theory”? http://www.laddertheory.com/ From a testosterone laden viewpoint, I always agreed there are two types of women. Those he would sleep with first and those he would choose to sleep with second. Interested in your thoughts.
@Dee – I haven’t read that book, but it will now go on my list. As far as the prioritizing of potential gene-propagation mates, I can see how that might play a scaled role in a male’s life, depending on self-awareness, maturity and intellect. However, being raised by my mother and grandmother, I find I have a different view. Don’t get me wrong, I see beauty in women of all ages, but I also see many of the other facets and factors in my life and the life of anyone I’m observing. I can’t see a beautiful woman and think “she just made the list” without also lugging all of the associated baggage of the living into the equation. I know, it sort of ruins the fantasy, but it’s realistic. Even if all of the myriad factors associated with compatibility were to magically sync up and seem to provide the golden path to interpersonal enlightenment, how much of my current life and situation am I willing to discard, shatter or otherwise alter to make that my new reality? The answer is “none”. Plus, the sheer arrogance of 1st place and 2nd place sex partners…sheesh.
Good news – it’s not a book. It’s right there in that link I provided. And it’s not as deep as you might assume. What it actually does (quite well in my opinion) is explain the difference in thought process between how guys approach relationships and how girls do, albeit in quite the tongue-in-cheek manner if you’re keen enough to pick up on it.
Yes! I soooo remember that episode. And Charlotte being all whiny with Miranda– she was just sad. But you are so right. My dad always says there are no wrong choices– you’ve just got to go with it and make the best of what you’ve got! You can always go back or try again or quit your job and go make salsa somewhere cool :) And now that I’m dating TWD, I was actually going share the Yoda quote that renpiti shared but I’ve been beaten too it, LOL! Anyway, great post :)
Aw, thanks Kat! Haha he’s turning you into such a geek. ;) (By the way, have you read my post about having/not having kids? I’d love to know what you think!)
SATC changed my life in so many ways — I will forever be grateful for that show! I still watch it over and over and over. LOVE this post!
Seriously, if I thought people could stomach it, I could probably write a post every day about lessons learned from that show. I love it, and it’s my fall-back entertainment when Justin’s deployed and I don’t feel like doing anything productive. :)
1) I have never seen an episode of that show. 2) I quit my job because I married well. 3) You did a phenom job of paraphrasing the convo for illustration. 4) I feel our whole ‘need for validation’ stems from never going to the bathroom alone. Think about it – how many times have you gone to the ladies room for moral support when you didn’t feel the urge? That’s codependency at it’s finest my friend. Teach your pals to buck up & send them off to pee solo. You’ll do wonders for our gender – nay for the world at large. 5) Since you seem to be on a roll of late with the women’s lib vibe – please share your take on Disney’s effect on little girls and the lies we (as a society) feed them about life & boys and so on. M’kay? Thanks. ~ Dee
Dee – read Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. It’s all about that and it’s kind of great.
1) Don’t worry – If we ever meet, I can act out every episode for you. 2) NICE WORK! 3) Why, thank you! 4) I usually tend to go to the bathroom alone. This is so no one judges me if I have to check my nose for boogies or wipe mascara off from under my eyes. 5) I have touched on that a little here (one of my faves) and here. But you’re right – maybe it warrants its own post. ;)
P.S. Have you seen Brave? It seems Disney has replaced the misguided damsel searching for her Prince Charming with brats who cast spells on their mothers who then, in turn, realize the error of their ways and tell their daughters they were right all along.
Awesome.
I haven’t seen any of the newer animated flicks. After I sat at the Princess Parade at Disney a few years ago I swore off being party to any of it. Years of girlfriend’s whines – “I can’t find a man good enough” and “but I deserve to find someone who loves me” – culminated in amazement watching these women dress their daughters up in pink and yellow gowns of self-destruction. No wonder 20-somethings are so screwed up these days.
Ha! No KIDDING!
It’s pretty depressing to think how much further ahead the world would be if we didn’t waste so much time on our insecurities.
Right???
I think this may be destined to become one of your classics! At least the last 2 sentences. :-) Love that thought!
I had to forward this to my sister, who is awakening to who she is and who she wants to be and finally saying it’s OK to follow a path for herself. She now knows she was the most of what was in her way before.
I read a blog post once and what I got out of it was something like “Live today as if you aren’t afraid,” and it was an amazing thing, throughout that day, to realize how often we talk ourselves out of things for lots of ‘what ifs.’ The thing is, I went back to that blog post, so I could capture the quote exactly that had made such a difference in that day, so I wouldn’t forget to continue living that way… And it didn’t even say that! But I guess I just needed to hear it, so found it where it didn’t exist!
Aw, thanks!! I bet even though those exact words weren’t in that post you’d read, that was probably exactly what the writer had intended you to get from it. Or at least something to that effect. Don’t you love it when something just speaks to you like that?
And good luck to your sister! I know what that is like — it’s confusing and terrifying and paralyzing and horrific. But then you realize what you’re really afraid of – more even than failure – is success. What if she succeeds and then she has to keep it up?? I get that. I do. And I think she’s awesome for trying. And you’re awesome for doing every day what I would deem impossible and also for forwarding my post to her. :)
I was initially mad at DeeConstructed for her “I married well” comment and subsequent (incongruous) discontent with Disney’s portrayal of girls/women forever searching for Prince Charming.
But then I read her Ladder Theory link, and it was like someone had put to webpage everything I’d been saying since I was a teenager! It all culminated with me telling my then-girlfriend (after she suggested we just be “friends”), “Fuck that. I have enough friends, I don’t need any more. If girls are such kick-ass friends, then how come there’s still ‘Guys’ Night Out?’ Thanks but no thanks.”
We are now married. Thanks, Dee! I’m sharing that shit with my little brother!
Her “married well” was sarcastic, I think. She’s allowed to be sarcastic about her husband because she married him. TWICE. Ha!
AWWWWW I love that story about you guys!!!
Ok, I’m officially giving up all of my friends in lieu of yours Katie. Seriously, they are so much more interesting (and honest) than mine! And Magdeline – I should have clarified my tongue-in-cheek comment about my marriage. Katie knows (most) of the story so the comment was aimed at her. But I’ll let you in too. After 7 years of dating everyone else’s ex husbands I remarried my own. He was waaaay better than the rest & he had an awesome ex wife (me). We divorced because I was an overachiever – always at work & never at home doing my ‘wifely duties’. So, quitting my job was part of the pre-nup for Round II. But thanks for coming around in your hate for me – and thanks for being honest about it! And share that link with everyone you know – because whether we want to admit it or not, that shit is true. :)
[…] Speaking of erratic women… […]
Thanks for the backstory, Dee–I’m subscribing to your page.