A Domestiphobe’s Guide To Alcoholic Accompaniments For Domestic Projects.
The other day my friend Alaina and I were discussing appropriate accompanying alcoholic beverages for various domestic projects.
Look.
It’s not like we’re alcoholics. We just recognize the fact that certain jobs — things that vibrant, life-loving domestiphobes don’t love but recognize need to get done — are better tolerated with a light buzz. It acts as a feel-good reward for all of our good work and helps us focus on more important things than what we’re actually doing, like the new recipe we plan on attempting later or our imaginary trip to Fiji.
But — and pay attention because this is important: There’s a fine line between a happy-go-lucky buzz and downright stupidity.
And also, you should never drink to “get through” menial chores. If you find you’re pouring yourself a glass of wine to “get through” five loads of laundry or cracking open a micro brew to “get through” sweeping the floors or mixing up a craft cocktail to “get through” helping your kids with their homework, you’re missing the point.
And you quite possibly have a drinking problem.
No, what we’re talking about here is that liquid courage that comes from the appropriate selection of an accompanying adult beverage in order to maintain a consistent level of productivity and positive outlook. If you notice yourself starting to get tired or wanting to give up before you’ve finished or come to an acceptable stopping point while painting your deck, it might be time to treat yourself to a bit of heart-healthy barley and hops. But if you notice a familiar twitch in your leg and get the sudden urge to blast some Floyd because everyone likes it and dance around the yard and shout and invite your neighbors who are hosting a back yard birthday party for their two-year-old son over for an impromptu three-o’clock-in-the-afternoon round of drinking croquet, it’s likely the beverage you selected was a little too strong or you consumed a little too much to continue being productive.
And while spontaneity and laughter are highly encouraged here on this blog, my intent is never for you to make an ass of yourself or favor hangovers over a good old-fashioned sense of accomplishment.
So.
Alaina and I have concocted a guide, of sorts, for alcoholic accompaniments to certain home improvement projects that I’m sure you will find exceedingly useful this upcoming summer. For scale, which you can tweak according to your weight and/or tolerance level, the appropriate accompanying beverage consumed during the creation of this list was one glass of wine for me (5’4″, semi-petite build, former tomboy and sorority girl), and water for Alaina (5’10”?, very slim build, sorority girl, and very noticeably pregnant).
Project |
Adult Beverage |
Tips & Warnings |
| Painting a Deck, Porch, or any other Mid-to-Large Sized Outdoor Project | 1 ice-cold beer per every 1.5 hours, alternating with 2-3 glasses of ice-cold water. Boring, I know, but necessary in order to avoid becoming that assy neighbor described above. | Watery non-beers like Coors Light or flavored “girl” beers like Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus are totally acceptable — if not preferable — in this situation. Real beers run the risk of making you feel sluggish and dehydrated. |
| The Assembly of Anything Purchased at IKEA | 2 bottles of beer (5 if you’re drinking Coors Light or other similar yellow-tinted forms of carbonated water) or 2 glasses of wine. | The consumption of hard liquors is strongly discouraged for IKEA assemblage unless the idea of spending hours trying to decipher Swedish instructions or drawing your own improved caveman illustrations to improve their product sounds like your idea of a good time. |
| Online Shopping for Decorative Accessories | Drink as much as you want. Seriously. If you’re anything like me, it’s a lost cause, anyway. | You may want to let a spouse or a friend know what you’re up to so they can take away your credit card. |
| Tiling Project | Four bottles of wine or twenty-four beers over the four days it takes to complete, followed by a stiff drink and a Xanax. And probably a marriage counselor. | Don’t use large tiles in small spaces. Just don’t. |
| Anything Involving Power Tools | Alcoholic beverages are not recommended. | This recommendation only applies if you feel a strong sense of attachment to your various body parts. (In my experience, electric drills and sanders do not count as power tools, but pneumatic staple guns definitely do.) |
Justin and I have to re-build our deck this summer before we put the house on the market, so I’ll let you know how that goes.
What do you think? Obviously this isn’t an all-inclusive list. If you have something to add, let me know in the comments!
(P.S. We’re flying home today from Minnesota, which I’ve come to remember is a deceitful state with the mean habit of looking like it’s a balmy 70-degrees outside and then blasting you with frigid, nose hair-freezing winds the second you step outside. Oh, North Carolina – you have been missed.)
Comments
I work from home, so I have to make sure I don’t classify that last hour of the work day as the fuckit hour. A delightfully refreshing vodka mojito can be a dangerous thing during that hour. Or it can be the thing that keeps me from telling all my coworkers to cram it.
Bwahaha! Love it. And I know exactly how you feel. ;)
I wish I worked from home and had the opportunity to have a fuckit hour!
The concept of a fuckit hour might just require its own post!
It’s a dangerous beast.
Love it! We’re going to Minnesota this summer. Hope it’s warmer… On the deck project I recommend margaritas. It gives you a chance to take a break and push the buttons on the blender instead of the trigger on the nail gun! And hauling wood, getting supplies from Home Depot (for the umpteenth time) and just standing around waiting for the next thing to be told what to get and hand to the man in charge. Projects are good and if your marriage can survive them, then you’ve got it made!
Margaritas! How did I forget margaritas?
This is absolutely hysterical!!!!! I adore you!
Aw, thanks Andi!! (Only 3 drinks for a five-hour lunch.) ;)
I usually find that red wine goes with most tasks around the home.
Cleaning rooms? Go with a French Pinot Noir.
Cleaning the bathroom? Pick out a spicy Lemberger or a peppery Syrah.
Dishes? Usually a good Sangiovese or Super Tuscan.
Paperwork? Try a nice Argentinian Malbec or Chilean Carménère.
And always remember, DO NOT consume alcohol while updating your electrical.
Great. Now I want wine.
Oh, wait – I always want wine. ;)